How to deal with a child throwing a tantrum
When we become parents our whole life is turned upside down. It is the greatest pleasure at all, but also the biggest challenge. In order to be a good parent it needs certain abilities.
Patience, Resilience & Presence, some you have other you need to gain.
How can you deal with an angry child?
Every mother, every father has already encountered the classical situation, in which your child starts a riot in front of a crowd the bigger the better. They are not picky at the location. Sometimes it is the supermarket, the ice-cream parlour or a plaza.
My darling son had his best tantrum at a shopping center in the middle of the food area.
I will walk you thru how you could handle the situation in a constructive and very adult way.
However before we start, lets describe the situation.
1. Situation
You have the fine idea of going to the supermarket, buying your groceries. Since you can’t leave your child at home or in the car. You take it with you.
All of a sudden it does not want to move anymore, wants a certain treat or whatever, inciting your child to use its ability to cry out as loud as it can
2. Your reaction
As a decent parent, we know how to behave and that in our society crying out loud is not seen as a good trait.
So you try to hush your child.
This can be done in several different styles:
You can command your child to stop crying. (The General)
You can explain to your child, that it disrupts and disturbs the other people around. (The Montessori)
You can manipulate your child by telling it how much it hurts you, if it is so angry. (The Pitiable)
You can show your child, how it is if somebody is so angry by being angry yourself. (The Mirror)
You can give in to the pleads of your child and give it whatever it wants. (The Softy)
… does one reaction sound familiar? 😉
The reason why you instantly try to silence your child can be following:
You cannot bear being seen as an impotent parent, unable to handle your child.
You cannot bear the embarrassment caused by an individuum next to you by being so shamelessly loud and present, since you crave to be decent and invisible.
You simply cannot bear the intense energy of anger your child is emitting.
In my experience neither reaction is satisfying. Now you can either try to avoid situations like this or prepare yourself to rise with a challenge like this.
Challenge accepted?
Path of the best parent ever ;-)
Step 1: Trigger Alarm – your child starting to get really loud
Step 2: Be aware, that your 1st reaction is to silence it
Step 3: Focus on your physical reaction (holding your breath, your belly, stiffen your shoulders, clenching your teeth)
Step 4: Refuse automatic reaction, take a deep breath and let go of physical effort
Step 5: Endure for a moment the terror, panic, embarrassment, anger this situation activates.
Step 6: Feel the energy released by these feelings
Step 7: Take a moment to focus on how you want this situation to resolve.
What is important? A silence in order not to disturb others, a silence in order to feel well again or a child that is seen in its frustration and gets the feedback of being okay for trying to be effective?
Step 8: Use this released energy by refusing or doing something in order to achieve your chosen aim.
On this path following things happen alongside:
You learn to be with intense energy.
You learn to shift your focus from cowardly avoiding an experience into courageously taking it.
By this you learn how bold and courageous you actually are.
Which improves your confidence.
And you experience a shift from a victim to your child into the creator of the situation.
If you handle a situation like this, you will sooner or later be able to be with intense feelings like anger, frustration, embarrassment etc. Facing anger in another being will not disrupt you anymore and someday you will recognize that situations like this simple do not show up any more.
If you handle situations that way, it will also have a big impact on your surroundings.
Other parents will learn from you.
Your child will learn from you the ability to be with intense feeling.
Isn’t it hilarious, if your child experiences your presence, your ability to deal with intensity.
How you will now handle the situation, I do not know and you better also do not know, as there is no recipe for it. It totally depends on your wish, how you want this situation to be.
If you want to still have silence, establish it.
If you want to listen to your child, listen to it.
If you decide to follow its wishes, do so if it is aligned to your wishes.
The important difference is your attitude, the way you approach this situation. You do not react out of a suffering but out of creation. No victim but creator.
Required abilities
In order to apply this path you have to master following abilities:
Having a certain level of attention (in order to spot the trigger and the reaction)
Ability to be with intensity of powerful feelings you will encounter like anger, hate, threat or embarrassment.
Ability to relax into intensity.
Drop self-importance.
Understand the concept and effects of allowing to be a victim.
Refusal of feeling and acting like a victim
Experience self- empowerment
Some parents are naturals and have this abilities and can apply this path instantly. Others need a training, which I offer.
BEST PARENT EVER - Training Program
This training is called the BEST PARENT EVER – Training.
It contains individual sessions in order to increase your level of attention, your ability to be with intensity and your ability to relax into it and your ability to refuse or go for something.
Define a wish and staying focused.
It is scheduled for 8 individual sessions containing a weekly aim and several exercises to do on a daily basis.